


The fake engagement that's certainly, definitely, not indication of any real feelings

by DeadlyWeiss



Category: SuperMansion (Cartoon)
Genre: Fake/Pretend Relationship, Family Drama, M/M, Mid-Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-02
Updated: 2020-12-22
Packaged: 2021-03-09 19:00:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,363
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27831154
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DeadlyWeiss/pseuds/DeadlyWeiss
Summary: Saturn's parents give him an ultimatum - either find someone to settle down with, or lose his allowance for good. Having ran out of options, he asks for help from the only person he trusts to take it seriously.
Relationships: The Groaner/Claudius Jamison "CJ" Wheelihan
Comments: 6
Kudos: 8
Collections: Yuletide 2020





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [kyrilu](https://archiveofourown.org/users/kyrilu/gifts).



For days, Black Saturn had been struggling with the feeling that something bad was about to happen — specifically, ever since Bunsen had called him earlier that week to let him know that his parents would be expecting him for dinner on Friday, and that he should do his best to make it on time because they had a very important matter to discuss with him.

Even if they hadn’t called in person, they still had bothered to make time for him, and his parents _never_ bothered to make time for him.

Still, it wasn’t until Friday arrived and he found himself sitting at the table, with _three_ perfectly set places like his parents expected him to actually sit there and have dinner with them instead of just listening while they listed all the ways he had completely failed as a son that Saturn really started to feel concerned about whether they were about to tell him that one of them was terminally ill, or that they had lost all their money in a stock crash and the whole family was now destitute.

“So. Mom, dad. Bunsen said you’ve got something to tell me.”

His parents exchanged a side-eye glance, and his mother took a long sip of wine before returning her attention to him.

“Your father and I have been talking, and we both agree that maybe you’d feel more like actually making something out of your life if you settled down.” Thankfully, Saturn hadn’t started eating yet, otherwise that would have been the exact moment when he’d have chocked on his food. “We’ve already arranged you to meet some of women that don't know what you do for a living and so won't immediately think that you're a complete waste of their time.”

“…Ha, good one. Yeah, you got me. For a second I thought you were being serious.”

“We are being serious, CJ. We’re both tired of your antics.” This time, it was his father who spoke. “Either you do this, or you’re not receiving a single cent more from either of us.” 

Maybe it was a bluff. After all, it was far from the first attempt his parents had made to stop him from being a superhero by threatening to cut him off, and ultimately the fact that this was his life calling had come out on top every time.

Then again, they _had_ made him get a job.

“You see, that’s going to be a problem because… I’m already engaged.”

It wasn’t until Saturn noticed the dumbfounded expression on both of his parent’s faces that he realized exactly what he had just said.

“To _whom_?”

He had to think of something, and he had to do it quick. It was clear that his only option was to double down, if he took it back now, his parents would interpret it as a sign that he genuinely had no way of getting out of their ridiculous demand — not that he did, but even if this wasn’t about quitting the League, the mere idea of dating someone that his parents found suitable made his skin crawl.

He couldn’t ask Lex, his parents might not pay too much attention to what he did, but they would certainly remember her. The rest of the League was out because they either wouldn’t be convincing enough or they’d sooner help find his replacement than let anyone think they were dating him, and he couldn’t pay any sort of actress without his parents' money. That only left one option, and fortunately for him, it was probably the only person who could pull it off _and_ had a personal investment in making sure that he remained a superhero.

“The Groaner.”

“Groaner.”

“Yes. The Groaner.”

“That unfunny, faceless clown?”

“See? I didn’t tell you because I knew you’d react exactly like this.”

“Then you will have no problem with introducing him to us properly.” His mother sneered, and what was already a very awkward conversation turned into an even more awkward staring contest. “The least you can do is let us talk to him before you kill our last hope of ever getting grandkids.”

“… Of course. No problem. Not at all.”

***

Other than the fact the he _knew_ Saturn more than well-enough to be able to guess his next move, Groaner had had more than enough first-hand experience to be aware of exactly how pointless it was to try to avoid Saturn once he had his mind set on getting ahold of him — the next step after the repeated calls in the middle of the night would certainly be a visit in person, so Groaner decided to cut to the chase and accept meeting Saturn for dinner at one of the rooftops he frequented. That way, at least they would be alone, and the chances of having to offer an explanation to whoever happened to see them together would be much lower.

Still, nothing could have prepared him to hear Saturn explain exactly _why_ he needed him to pretend to be his boyfriend for a couple of days, all while having his mouth full of Arby’s like it just wasn’t a big deal.

“Saturn, this is possibly the worst idea you’ve ever had. Just—what the fuck, man?”

“Oh, I already have everything planned.” Saturn smiled proudly as he swallowed the bite he had taken out of his hamburger. “We only need to keep this up until my parents forget their stupid idea, a month _tops_. Then we will have an epic fall out that will fuel our rivalry for years to come.”

It had to be a joke. Surely not even Saturn could be so clueless, surely even Saturn had noticed that the only reason they could even have the conversation they were having was because they had finally managed to get to the point where they could just leave their relationship _be_ again, instead of try to deal with all the bullshit and messy feelings that had been pilling up ever since that one Halloween.

There was no way that doing what Saturn was asking wouldn’t be like kicking a hornet’s nest, and Saturn had to know.

“But what does the League have to do with it?”

“Listen, dude, it has to look authentic. They won’t buy it if it’s only the two of us, but if even the League says we’re together, there’s no way my parents won’t fall for it.”

“Saturn, I can’t. Find someone else.”

He hated the words the second they left his mouth, but he had to remain firm.

“Groaner, come on! Who will be your nemesis if I quit, huh?”

“I’m not even a villain anymore.”

“And? Being someone’s nemesis is a freaking way of life, it goes beyond being on opposite sides.”

It was clear that Saturn was taking the fact that he was still sitting there as encouragement to keep trying to talk him into it, so he put his own hamburger aside and stood up with the intention to leave. But before he could even take the first step, Saturn quickly did the same and grabbed him by the arm to hold him in place.

“Saturn, I said no.“

Wait. His lip was shaking. Was Saturn going to cry? He didn’t think he could deal with Saturn making a scene, even in private.

“Groaner, please,” he said in a voice so quiet that it was almost a whisper. “I need someone I can trust.”

Fuck, no, this was worse than the crying. Not only was Saturn still holding his arm, now he was also staring right at him — and while it was true that Groaner did find his lack of restraint when it came to their relationship both dangerous and exasperating, it didn’t change the fact that hearing Saturn say that the trusted him was simply disarming.

Who was he kidding? He would do it for the same reason he agreed to come in the first place.

“You win, Saturn. But at the first sign of trouble, I’m out.”


	2. Chapter 2

Compared to avoiding any more questions from his parents and talking Groaner into helping, getting the League (well, Rex’s part of the League, given that they only needed Groaner out of Devizo’s team, and they were both pretty sure that if they included everyone else, a fight would inevitably break out at some point and it would ruin everything) together in the same place long enough for him make his announcement was relatively easy.

It also helped that the living room of the mansion only had one entrance, so he could physically stand between them and the door to keep anyone from leaving before he was done.

“I’m sure you all must be wondering why I gathered you here today.”

“Not particularly.”

Rather than disagree with Robobot, everyone else made their own gesture of either disinterest or indifference. After a second of awkward silence because _woah_ , rude, he had mentioned it was something important when he asked them to come, Rex cleared his throat and nodded towards the nearest corner of the room, where Groaner had been standing in silence ever since he had walked into the room — frankly, Groaner looked like he really, really didn’t want to be there at all, but if it came down to it, they could probably excuse it as either nerves or excitement.

It’s not like any of them knew Groaner well enough to tell the difference, anyway.

“What is Groaner doing here, Saturn?”

Completely ignoring the fact that Rex had already stopped talking, Saturn waved a hand in his direction with the intention of interrupting him. 

“I have an announcement to make. _We_ have an announcement to say.” He took a deep breath as he walked towards Groaner and linked their arms together firmly with one quick motion. Saturn found that the words came out with such ease that they might have as well skipped his brain altogether, most likely as a result of the fact that he had gone over what he’d say about a hundred times inside his head to make sure it sounded convincing enough. Damn, he was even a better actor than he thought. “This will probably come as a shock to all of you, but Groaner and I have been dating for a while, and we’ve finally decided to get married.”

There were no questions. Instead, he got to watch as Ranger took a bill out of his suit and handed it to Cooch, cursing under his breath while she tucked it in her cleavage.

“… Anyway, we can’t have the engagement dinner at my place because my parents would rather set the house on fire than let us, so we’re having it here.”

“No, no, no. Every single party we have at the mansion ends up being a complete disaster.” Rex stood up and immediately began waving his arms in their direction, clearly exasperated. “Good for you two for accepting your feelings or whatever and congratulations, but you are definitely not doing anything like that here.”

“Saturn, I told you it was not going to work—”

He could feel Groaner try to move away, so he tightened his grip, which lead to them spending the next couple of seconds tugging on each other until it was Groaner who finally gave up.

“Well, _excuse me_ for wanting to share this moment with some of the most important people in my life!”

“It’s not that we don’t care. And God knows that if no one tries to destroy the world as a result of this, you’ll be miles ahead of some people I could mention.” Rex let out a tired sighed and for a brief second, Saturn struggled to keep up his dramatic scowl. All things considered, even if he was faking the whole engagement, the fact that no one had made a big deal out of him announcing that he and Groaner were together was… good information to have. “But we really can’t afford another screw up, not with Agony breathing down our necks.”

Suddenly, Lex flew from where she was sitting and landed right between Rex and them.

“We’re very happy for you, Saturn. And we’ll be happy to help out, right dad?” When a moment passed and Rex didn’t answer, she moved back just enough to elbow him. “Right, dad?”

Rex still didn’t say anything, but he did nod, at which point it became clear it was a done matter and everyone else joined in with their own half-hearted agreement.


	3. Chapter 3

As he changed from his League uniform to the clothes that Saturn had gotten for him, Groaner realized that maybe he had underestimated the amount of measured effort Saturn could put into someting. He figured it would be a constant struggle from start to finish — either because Saturn would take it to the extreme and word would get back to Devizo before the dinner even happened, or Saturn would only do the bare minimum to get things rolling because he figured that everything would sort itself out eventually if he just drew it out long enough.

Hell, he even expected the outfit to be something awful, like the eyesore he had designed for Courtney. Instead, it was very close to what he used to wear before the uniform, except more expensive and with a purple bowtie.

The sensation of being impressed only lasted a brief moment, however, because almost immediately, it occurred to him that Saturn probably had only managed to get so far because it was both his _money_ and his ability to remain _a superhero_ that were on the line, not because he had thought about it and achieved the emotional maturity needed to realize that he would be on board with so, so much if only Saturn toned it down a notch or two.

When he walked out of the room, Saturn was already waiting for him at the hall. He had his mask on, of course, the thing was practically glued to his face, but he was wearing a regular suit, and a tie that was more or less the same color as the one he had gotten for him.

“Nice, huh? We match!”

Groaner gave it another look, and it was in that moment that he noticed that it was askew. Without giving it much thought, he reached forward and fixed it. 

“Yeah. Nice detail.”

Almost immediately, he felt the urge to slap himself.

“Wait, I almost forgot. Can’t have an engagement without one of these.” Saturn stepped in front of him, and after a few moments of digging through his pockets, produced a silver ring that fit surprisingly well considering that Saturn hadn’t asked him his ring size even once. Before Saturn could even think of putting it on him, he took it and did it himself. “Thanks again for your help. You’re solid, you know that?”

“Saturn, I—”

He wasn’t enough of a dick to leave Saturn hanging mere moments before his parents were meant to arrive, but back when he had let himself be talked into helping, he had decided that the best way to get through it was drawing a line and not crossing it. Except whether Saturn knew or not, they were getting dangerously close to crossing it.

Luckily, he was spared from any further conversation by Cooch’s voice coming from downstairs.

“Saturn! Your parents are here!”

***

When it came to Saturn’s parents, it was hard to tell whether they had already found something to be displeased about so soon or if it was that they had a perpetual resting bitch face. Either way, by the time they made it to the entrance to greet them, both of them were already looking at the mansion as if something had died in there.

Which, to be fair, had in fact happened at more than one point, but Lex had actually done a pretty good job at making sure the place looked presentable enough on a shoestring budget.

“Mom, dad. This is The Groaner.”

“You still call him that?” His father asked, raising an eyebrow.

Did Saturn even know his real name? Actually, Saturn probably had a whole file detailing everything he had learnt about him through their confrontations. Or, at the very least, he had stumbled upon it at some point and written it down in his diary along with all those other things he had to say about him.

“Secret identities, remember? You can know after we seal the deal.”

“Yes, yes.” Saturn’s mother then said, completely ignoring his attempt to shake her hand. Not a good start. “Let’s go. The faster we get it over with, the faster we can stop pretending you have any idea of what you’re doing.”

***

There was no amount of alcohol that could make the whole thing feel like it hadn't had an awful start, but they _had_ bought a lot of alcohol, so as soon as Saturn went to show his parents where they could go wash their hands, Groaner decided that there was no harm in trying to figure out how deep into a bottle he had to go until he found the part that would make the next couple of hours tolerable.

Unfortunately, he only got as far as taking a can of beer out of the fridge before Saturn’s mother walked into the kitchen and slammed the fridge’s door closed, barely missing his fingers.

“How much will it cost us for you to leave our son alone?”

He stepped away from the fridge and unsure of whether he had heard correctly, left his beer on the counter.

“Excuse me?”

“The last time he introduced someone to us, she turned out to have been trying to kill him all along.” He could sort of understand where she was coming from, after all, as far as she knew he was the second super-villain her son had introduced to her and he had actively participated in the previous one’s murder attempt. “So from where I’m standing, it’s either that, or you’re doing it for the money.”

Still, given that he had had the misfortune of being insulted by her before, it felt more hostile than said out of concern.

“Hypothetically speaking… if this _was_ about murder?”

“Try to make it look like an accident.”

No wonder Saturn was so needy — whatever was the amount of positive attention that a person required while growing up in order to become a functional adult, it was clear that he hadn’t found it in his parents. And the more he thought about it and compared it with everything he and Saturn had gone through, the more he felt like he had to defend Saturn.

“Well, too fucking bad, because I happen to be very much in love with your son and we’re going to get married.” Groaner gave a step forward, and when she moved away to keep the distance between them, he kept advancing until she was cornered against the wall. “And frankly, if I had to go trough the effort of getting rid of someone, I’m starting to think that _it might not be Saturn_.”

She looked more annoyed than intimidated, but it was fine. He totally would, if it ever came down to it, but he didn’t precisely want murdering Saturn’s parents to be his only option.

“Why, you—”

“If you excuse me, I'd like to finish that beer before Saturn gets here.”


	4. Chapter 4

Saturn looked at the calendar on his wall, where the dozen or so of times that he had met with Groaner during the last month to plan their epic separation were marked. It wasn’t that it was hard to agree on the details — it was that every single time, without fail, they had found themselves distracted with something, from an argument about which sides they should be getting for lunch to a movie marathon that quickly went from ‘a couple is all I have time for’ to ‘oh, shit, it’s morning already’.

Saturn picked up the phone.

“Hey, Groaner. Are you busy tomorrow?”

There was a brief pause and Saturn heard a door close on the other end of the line.

“Sure, I can come over. Same hour?”

Maybe this time they would get it done.


End file.
